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X Amish Atheist

~ fighting dogma from behind the lines…

X Amish Atheist

Author Archives: xamishatheist

Coming Out

13 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by xamishatheist in Coming Out, My Story

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

atheist, coming out, friends, gay, girlfriend, relationships, religion


Update (Jan. 20, 2013). I deleted a sentence of this post that referred to my fundamentalist friends. Apparently, I meant what I said when I wrote that (otherwise I wouldn’t have written it), but it did not convey what I currently feel about my fundamentalist friends. I love my friends and I greatly enjoy their company–even the ones that I’m not convinced would remain my friends if they knew what I believed.

Thus far, I’ve truly “come out” about my atheistic beliefs to only one person – my very Christian girlfriend of four years. We’ve discussed our differing beliefs at length and both agreed that we want and can make our relationship work for the long term.

We’ve agreed that the practical course of action would be for me to eventually join a Mennonite church so that she could remain close to her Amish family. I don’t see much of my Amish family so I don’t care that much what they think of me anymore.

If not for her, there is a good chance that I would eventually work up the courage to tell everyone I that I am an atheist.

Several of my friends probably wonder about my beliefs since I am completely silent when they’re discussing religion. The closest I’ve come to actually telling any of them is when I asked one of my friends if he could be friends with a person of another religion. He replied that yes, he thought he could. Then I asked him if he could be friends with an atheist – someone with no religion whatsoever. After considering the question he replied that yes he could given that the atheist doesn’t try to force his belief system onto him. I told him that his sounds like a reasonable position to take.

So maybe there’s hope after all. Maybe I can eventually come out about my beliefs without losing all of my friends. I will not do it for the time being, however, because I could completely lose my family as would my girlfriend lose hers.

It’s extremely lonely, however, to have no friends that share your beliefs. I think I understand, to an extent, what it’s like to be gay in our society. Sometimes I get the urge to run around giddily, screaming, “I’m an atheist! I’m an atheist!” but I don’t dare, I just keep it bottled away on the inside.

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The Amish on Capital Punishment

13 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by xamishatheist in The Amish

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

amish, death penalty, humanistic values, murder, redemption, repentance


The Amish, in general, oppose the death penalty. This is not because they bear some grand humanistic values, but quite simply because the Bible tells us, “Thou shalt not kill.”

The Amish believe the death penalty is murder. They also believe that murder is one of the worst sins (despite believing all sins are equally bad) because when you kill someone, you remove that person’s chance of repentance and redemption.

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Is God Evil?

12 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by xamishatheist in Other, The Conversion

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

dream, evil, God, hell


Visualizing the Amish God as evil – as something I never wanted to associate with, was helpful in my transition from a questioner to a full-blown atheist.

Here is an appropriate little graphic that I put together from a variety of images I found online.

God's Dream About Hell

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Free Will versus God’s Omnipotence

12 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by xamishatheist in The Questioning

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

amish, free will, God, omnipotence, philosophy, rationalization


Growing up Amish I was taught that God was omnipotent (all-powerful). I was taught that God had the power to make anything happen and that he did – everything from making a leaf fall from a tree to deciding that it was time for someone to die. I grew up believing that God did not start the universe and then sit back as it unfolded, but rather, that he fully controlled every event.

But as I became an older child, things didn’t make quite as much sense anymore. If God made everything happen then why did I sometimes do bad things? I knew that God didn’t want me to do bad things but still I believed that he controlled it. Also, when somebody died, everyone in the community would say “Well, it was his time to go.” Everyone believed that God had chosen that day as the day for that person to die. Then we heard about a suicide in some other community. Everyone was so sad. Everyone knew that the person would go to hell – suicide was the worst possible thing to do because it was defying God’s will of when you must die, and it leaves no time to repent afterwards.

Wait a minute!

This might have been the very first time that I recognized a logical contradiction. On the one hand, God was omnipotent but on the other hand God didn’t seem able to control the desires of man.

So I asked my Dad about it and I talked to my Mom about it. Their consensus was that God is omnipotent except when it comes to the free will of man. Of course they didn’t use the term “free will”. Either they had never heard about it or they wanted to simplify things for me.

After a lot of thinking, this made sense to me. After all, God made us in his image. It made perfect sense that he “made” us but that he couldn’t fully control us. We were left to decide some things for ourselves and to pay the consequences for any bad choices that we made.

It didn’t take long for the nagging thoughts to return. If God was omnipotent why did he choose to give us free will when he made us? Wouldn’t it be more fair if he made us like the animals – with no free will? Why did he choose to give us a characteristic that would end up causing so much pain when he could just as well have done everything but give us free will?

This time when I asked for help with my questions, I couldn’t find anyone to help. For my parents, and even for the Amish preacher I asked, my questions were apparently too deep for them.

So of course they defaulted to an explanation that goes something like this; “I don’t know the answer to that but you know, the Bible tells us that God’s ways are so mysterious. Maybe we’re not meant to understand all these things.”

That wasn’t good enough for me. If God didn’t want me to understand things, he wouldn’t have given me a questioning mind.

So of course, I developed elaborate rationalizations. I had always believed that the purpose of life was to get to heaven. Upon wondering why God even made a heaven and why he wants humans in it, I decided that he probably got very lonely and just wants some company. At this point I decided that God had free will and that he wanted to socialize with other minds that have free will and by giving us free will, he had to relinquish some of his omnipotence. Therefore, we have choices and we have pain and suffering.

Sometimes I suspected that we were an experiment orchestrated by God. I imagined him up there in heaven taking notes as he watched his experiment unfold. I even went as far as imagining that it would be like me looking curiously down upon an anthill and watching the ignorant ants go about their lives. Whenever I couldn’t understand some facet of God I would imagine once again the ants on that anthill. I imagined that God’s intellectual superiority was like the difference in intelligence between humans and ants. Of course the ants had no hope of understanding even the smallest fact about us humans. In much the same way it made sense that we humans don’t have a hope of fully understanding the smallest fact about God.

In retrospect, I still suffer a little from a variation of the question, “Is there free will or is God omnipotent?” This variation is, “Is there free will or is there determinism?” But that’s a question to tackle on some other day.

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Are There any Other Ex-Amish Atheists Out There?

12 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by xamishatheist in Other, The Amish

≈ 55 Comments

Tags

amish, atheist


I am a formerly Amish atheist. Life can get a little lonely when there’s no other person that you know of that shares your background and your skepticism. This post is a shout-out to ex-Amish atheists everywhere. We need to get together, socialize, and support each other.

If you’re an ex-Amish atheist or agnostic, please comment on this page so we can get to know each other. I have also started a group on Atheist Nexus for people like us. Please come and join me;

http://www.atheistnexus.org/group/ex-amish-atheists

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My First Radio

12 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by xamishatheist in Early Life, My Story

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

amish, music, radio


Growing up as an Old Order Amish kid, I was sheltered from worldly music of any kind. In fact, I was so sheltered from worldly music that I remember clearly the first time that I heard rock and roll music.

I was probably about 11 or 12 years old and riding my bicycle to school. As I pedaled my way around a corner in the road, I heard the beautiful clash of drums (any music with drum beats, we called ‘rock and roll’). Some non-Amish person had their home stereo system cranked so that I could clearly hear the music from the road. I stopped pedaling and just listened for a bit. The music washed over me and it was an intensely pleasurable and naughty experience. I knew that if I were a good little Amish boy, I would’ve kept pedaling and would’ve tried to block the music from my awareness.

In our young sheltered lives, we Amish children rarely had the opportunity to listen to worldly music. When picking a local taxi to drive us to town every couple months or so, my Dad would take into account the music that the driver was known to play. We would hire a rock and roll taxi only if it was an emergency. Such was the completeness with which we were sheltered from music.

I’m not exactly sure why the Amish frown on worldly music so much. I guess they fear that it has a corrupting influence on young minds. I suspect that a lot of the frowning stems from the Bible’s proclamation that music should be for God’s enjoyment.

In Amish church services and Sunday evening singings, there would be no bands and no instruments of any kind – there would only be a capella singing. The singing was nice but I would’ve preferred the head-bouncing rhythms of rock and roll.

One of my Amish friends, whom apparently had heard way more rock and roll than I ever had, was pretty good at beatboxing. Every time I heard him do it, I would mentally compare it with the music that I had heard on the way to school that day long ago. Using only his lungs and his mouth, he could belt out rhythms and drumbeats that sounded exactly like rock and roll music to me. It sounded so good to me that I would often encourage him to do it again, and again.

One day, my Amish friend, who was quite the rebellious kid, took me to some English person’s barn. The barn had electricity – the perfect place to hide and listen to a stereo if one had the balls to do it. We were trespassing of course – the owner of the barn had no idea what my friend’s older brother had hidden in his barn. We slipped into the barn, dusted the older brother’s stereo off, plugged it in, and for the first time ever, I heard “Way down yonder on the Chattahootchie”. It was the best ‘rock and roll’ that I had ever heard.

For years after that, I loved country music because of the experience I had listening to Alan Jackson songs in that old barn.

When I was about 14 years old or so, our community had another one of its annual school benefit auctions. This auction drew thousands of Amish and non-Amish from around the nation to buy and sell stuff. A portion of the proceeds went to supporting the local Amish parochial school.

In this auction there were always a lot of vendors selling products from booths (rather than on the auction). These vendors were often non-Amish and not limited by Amish beliefs in what they could sell. Luckily for me, one of these vendors was selling a bunch of little radio sets for about $10 a piece.

I checked around to make sure that no Amish people were watching me and with the encouragement of my two like-minded Amish buddies, I got up the nerve to buy a little radio. After procuring batteries for it, we spent the rest of the afternoon listening to the awesome quantity of rock and roll music that was being broadcast over the airwaves. It was my first big step into the larger universe.

Several days later my little radio found itself in Dad’s possession. I’m not sure how he had gotten hold of it. Perhaps my mom had discovered the radio in one of her periodic checks for contraband in my bedroom. He called me into the shop for a “talk” and there it was – sitting on the desk.

Surprisingly, he was very understanding of my “bad” behavior. He didn’t rebuke me very strongly but he did tell me that he had to destroy it. Having an interest in how things work I decided to give him an alternate course of action. I told him that rather than destroy it, I wanted to take it apart to see how it worked. I promised that after I was finished with it I would no longer be able to listen to music with it. To my surprise, he agreed to it. In this way, he was a very good Amish Dad. Most Amish Dads would have destroyed the radio, preached to the boy about the dangers of worldly music, whipped the boy severely, and then grounded him for several months.

While that was my first radio, it was by no means my last. Over the next several years I acquired quite a few more “boomboxes”. Some of them were destroyed by Dad, and others he never found.

My enjoyment of music hasn’t waned to this day although my preferred genres have changed. I have gone from country music to classic rock to contemporary rock and now I enjoy listening to pretty much everything but country music.

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The Truth about Rumspringa

11 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by xamishatheist in The Amish

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

amish, hell, rumspringa


Every time I hear the word “Rumspringa” I cringe. There’s no such thing! It’s time that someone sets things straight!

Well, actually it’s not that definitive but probably 90% of the idea of “Rumspringa” is mythical. If I’m not mistaken, it was “invented” by some TV show – perhaps Amish in the City?

“Rumspringa” literally means “running around” or “run around” depending on the context. It is actually a concatenation of two Pennsylvania Dutch terms; “rum” and “springa”. “Rum” is usually pronounced with a long ‘uh’ as in the word “put”. “springa” is usually pronounced “shpring’-uh”. “Rum” means “round” and “springa” means “run” or “running”.

Anyway, here is the idea;

A young Amish boy or girl lives a nice God-fearing life, obeys his or her parents, and abides by the Amish interpretation of the Bible. Then, when the boy or girl has reached a certain age, they are allowed, nay, encouraged, to leave the Amish on a journey of self-discovery. This journey is known as “Rumspringa” and ends at some later time when the young adult has discovered himself or herself at which point he or she decides to return permanently or leave permanently.

Here is what really happens;

A young Amish boy or girl is a typical boy or girl except for the environment he or she is growing up in. Sometimes the child does what its parents teach it to – lead a God-fearing life, obeying its parents, and abiding by the Amish interpretation of the Bible. Other times, the child rebels and is punished by the parents. The parents want the child to remain Amish. For many Amish parents, it is a horrible fear of theirs that their child will grow up and leave the Amish – and burn forever in hell for it. They love their child just like any other parent and don’t want the child to be tortured for all of eternity in the fiery pits of hell. Once a teenager, the young Amish person typically chooses to become a member of the church to live his or her life according to the Amish beliefs. A small percentage of Amish teenagers rebel. They start dressing in “English” clothing and some will even go as far as buying a motor vehicle. Mind you, this was never permitted by the Amish parents. In some communities, the rebellious teenager is allowed to live at home despite owning a vehicle. The parents hope that the child’s rebelliousness is just a temporary stage. Sometimes the teenager returns to the Amish and sometimes he or she doesn’t. If a male teenager returns to the Amish you can pretty much bet that there was a girl involved (way more Amish males leave the Amish than do Amish females). In most Amish communities, though, if a teenager has the nerve to buy a motor vehicle, the parents will unequivocally kick the child out of their home. That is, after asking the child where he got the money to buy the car. The child is generally not given an invitation to return. In many cases, communication between the child and the parents and the child and the remaining Amish siblings stops completely.

So there’s your real life Rumspringa: A child develops the courage to leave the oppressive grip of the Amish, despite knowing that he will possibly lose his entire family. There’s no “Rumspringa”. There’s only ‘leaving the Amish” and “not leaving the Amish”. Of course, if you do leave the Amish, you are generally allowed to return as long as you agree to live by their rules.

As for myself, I was lucky in having Amish parents that are a little more loving. When I got my first vehicle I was no longer allowed to live at home but I was still allowed to visit home as long as I didn’t park my vehicle on the property. Even now, living thousands of miles away from my family and not seeing them for over a year at a time – I still don’t have the nerve to park my rental car on their property when I return to visit. Part of it is that I’m not sure my Dad would allow it and the other part is out of respect for their beliefs (I don’t want to “flaunt” my worldliness).

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What About the Truth?

11 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by xamishatheist in Ethics, My Philosophy

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

amish, atheism, contradiction, hypocrite, ideaology, knowledge, pragmatism, psyche, truth


Imagine that our government discovers that aliens will attack in exactly two weeks and they will probably kill us all. Our leaders decide not to tell us because of the panic that it might cause. Have they made the right choice?

I say, “Hell no!”

Knowledge is very important to me. Therefore, it follows that truth is very important to me. I would much rather know and be scared shitless than be left ignorant. Maybe that’s one of the reasons that I am now an atheist instead of still an Amish man.

In movies we see characters administering to a dying family member. They keep telling the dying person that ‘you’re gonna be fine’ and ‘everything will be alright’.

Bullshit!

If I’m dying, the last thing I want is to have someone lie to me about it. Death is such a defining point in life ( haha ) that to be lied to about it would be the last straw.

The point that I’m trying to get to is that I live for the truth. I live for the knowledge that follows. I even use the idea of ‘truth’ as a defense for turning to atheism – such is my ideological adoration of truth.

But then there’s the other side of the medallion… If a religious friend of mine asks me about my religious views, I evade the question. I can usually get around it without making any outright lies, but I never tell them the truth because I know the friendship would vanish like a poof and all my other friendships would poof away one after the other. I don’t want that to happen because I enjoy the company of my friends despite their woefully dogmatic beliefs.

I make excuses to myself and rationalize away with thoughts like, lying is the practical course of action, or, we’ll all be happier if I just lie about it. My excuses make sense to me and I’m not about to tell my friends what I really believe in.

So there you have it. I’m a hypocrite!

On the one cheek I adore the ideology of truth but on the other cheek, my actions are a bit more pragmatic. And that’s it. I’m not posting this to show you my brilliant solution because I simply don’t have one. This hypocrisy, this contradiction, is just another one of those things chipping away at my psyche…

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